This morning, when I woke up, I knew beyond all doubt that this would

be my

last day. Don't be surprised. I am sure everyone saw it coming for

years. It

became obvious to me, finally, when Anya walked out the door. Still, I

thought I

could survive. I forced myself to continue my life as if everything was

okay. I

know that it was for the sake of my friends. I also know that it was a

useless

battle. I was bound to lose. I always do.

So... You want to know what happened to Anya? Right after I had

poured my heart

out to her, telling her that I loved her so much it hurt, she kissed me

softly

and said goodbye. It was simple, really. Something precious had been

returned to

her. Something more precious than me, apparently. Yep. You guessed it.

She got

her power center back. D'Hoffryn came while I was out trying to

put some sense

into Buffy's head about Riley. I still wonder if it would have

made a difference

if I had been home. Somehow I doubt it, though. That's the way my

life has

always gone. Love and lose. I suppose the fact that I was used to it is

what

allowed me to live past that day. And I did. Live. And I wish that I

hadn't.

Once she was gone, I started to notice the differences in those

around me.

Sure, it was obvious that they felt sympathetic. Hell, you could cut

through the

air with a knife when we were all together. That's when it was

most obvious. I

would sit there in the magic shop in the same seat as always. There

would be an

empty seat beside me. Never filled. Even when there was standing room

only. No

one ever took Anya's chair. Willow and Tara would hold hands and

try so hard not

to look utterly happy. They did that for me, ya know. Didn't want

to make me

uncomfortable. It didn't work. That was actually worse than

watching Buffy and

Riley making up. Yes, she was able to stop that chopper from taking off

with

Riley in it. I'm glad for her. I meant every word I said to her

that night in

the warehouse.

But between my favorite witches trying to make me feel like part of

the gang

and watching the free-for-all the Slayer and ex-commando were putting

on...all I

saw was how alone I was. And how little we all knew about each other

anymore.

THAT little fact was the hardest to face. Here were my best friends.

Specifically Willow and Buffy, of course. The three of us have seen

everything

together. We have fought all kinds of evil in the years we have

officially been

the Scooby Gang. And when I say that, you *know* I am not exaggerating!

But we

no longer know what makes the others tick. The bond we had as kids died

somewhere. Like so many vampires, it just turned to dust.

What about Giles, you ask? Why do you ask about him? Oh, I get it!

You are

among those who thought we had a father/son thing going on, right? Sorry

to

disappoint you but that never existed. To me, he has always been the

stuffy,

tweed-wearing, Brit. G-Man. To him, I have always been (and will remain)

the

nothing special, errand and donut boy, teen tagalong. The Zeppo. No

offense, but

you really need to take off your happily-ever-after

rose-colored-glasses.

The one person who might have been able to pull me out of this funk

is gone.

Not that there was ever anything special between us, but Spike always

seemed to

know what to say. Could make me see past my own miserable life just by

pointing

out how much worse his was. And you know what? He was right.

That's the only

reason it worked. If he wasn't so obviously destroyed by

everything that has

happened to him, it may as well have been any of the others telling me

*their*

lives sucked. But what Spike said was real. I could feel it. Almost

reach out

and touch his pain.

Why did Spike leave? I thought that was obvious. When he found out

that Riley

had stayed for Buffy, he couldn't face either of them again.

Sunnydale is too

small a town for people *not* to run into each other. It was bad enough

that he

had told Riley about how he felt towards the Slayer. But when all hope

was lost,

because of the couple's reunion and mutual forgiveness, it became

too much for

even the Big Bad to deal with. So he had Willy arrange to have his

DeSoto driven

back to town, packed up everything he owned and left. No

'goodbye'. No 'hope you

all rot in Hell'. Nothing. Just left.

You know what surprised me the most? Spike leaving hurt almost as bad

as

Anya. How's *that* for crazy?! I'd say it was wacky but

Willow said love makes

you do the wacky. And there was no love lost between Spike and me. Was

there?

Now for the part I find so funny. It was Spike leaving that brought

me to

this point. Me! Xander 'I am *NOT* gay' Harris. I still

remember the day that

Larry told me he thought I was gay after he came out of that proverbial

closet.

There was no way on Earth that I could possibly be even a little bit

bent! But I

think I have learned something important because of this. I don't

think love has

anything to do with gender. I think that the labels given to so called

'same sex

oriented' people were given by those who chose never to understand

what love

really is. And what love isn't. Love is all-encompassing and

blind. Love isn't

prejudice. And it can't be controlled. Love just *is*!

And I can admit to you what I have finally discovered because *you*

aren't

here. You can't tell my friends that they need to have me

committed. So, in

these last few moments I have here, I will admit the one thing that has

finally

taken me over the edge. I, Alexander LaVelle Harris, love William the

Bloody. I

don't want you to think that this realization is why have finally

chosen to end

my life. Not that. Never that. It is for the simple fact that I let him

go

without telling him. That I know I will never see him again. That, even

if he

laughed at my feelings, I will never see those brilliant blue eyes

again. And

*THAT*, my anonymous friend, is well worth dying for.

So, here I sit in my nice apartment. The one I got because Anya

wanted it. I

am in my living room sitting on the floor leaning up against the couch.

In one

hand I have an empty sleeping pill bottle. In the other hand I have a

third of a

bottle of Jack Daniel's. There is a lit cigarette in a saucer in

front of me. I

know what you are thinking. Hey, since when does Xander smoke?? Never,

until

now, actually. But thanks for being concerned about the dying

man's lungs! I'll

make sure to buy the patch tomorrow. Sorry, just had to get one last

sarcastic

comment in. Admit it. You were expecting it. So why the cigarette? It

was next

to this bottle of JD Spike forgot in my basement when he moved out. Too

bad I

don't own anything leather. Then I could be surrounded by the

tastes and smells

of the two people I loved most in this world.

I suppose I should say something cliché like, "good bye, cruel

world!" But I

can't bring myself to leave on that ridiculous phrase. So, how

about something

simple. No need to be grand, after all. My words will only be heard by

me. No

one else around to hear, right? Well, here goes nothing.

"I love you Spike!"

End?